Once you are Real

Hello my dears, my faraway loved ones.

I assume that all is arriving, and passing well.

As is true of me.

But the end of this week has been a hard one. I will tell you plainly, it is not easy as of late. It becomes harder to excuse my numerous grammatical errors within my adjustment period. I don’t feel like I’m improving at the speed they expect us to be. By December, all of the teachers will stop writing on the board, and expect us to take notes from lectures alone. I know I’m not even three weeks in yet, and that’s a good three months away, but there are so many words I do not know. I learn at least ten every day, and then promptly forget them.

But worse than this is the fact that it is easy not to speak French. In classes, of course, it’s necessary. And during dinner, or when I’m having a conversation with my host mother. But at school, we all speak English with each other. And whenever we go out, it is always together. This past weekend, since my friend Grace came with her family, she and I spent most of the time together, speaking English. At lunch, in between classes, after school, on the phone. We all speak English. And how can that be right? When I’m not interacting with my family or doing my French homework, I’m writing or reading or listening to music, usually a combination of all three, and that is of course in English. It’s all in English!

When I first got here, it seemed like French was everywhere. Now, I realize how easy it is to avoid it. And it’s crazy, because half the time my head is pounding as I’m trying to materialize the foreign words from the empty space that was once my brain, and the other half of the time, I can barely believe that I need the language at all. It’s a paradox, one that never ceases to leave me exhausted, and frustrated, and lonely. It’s like I don’t belong in any language right now.

So, in order to accelerate my growth, I spent most of the evening in front of the television, and avoided all of the channels with American music (there are two, one of which is MTV, and that’s all stuff from the USA. They have a show called “Top Ten USA.” Would we ever watch “Top Ten Europe” or “Top Ten Australia” or “Top Ten Borneo” at home? I don’t think so… Why do they have all this stuff? It’s all in English!) and English movies, and managed to get in an episode of French friends (which is butchered but still comforting, by the way), and then I watched a French-dubbed version of Forrest Gump.

I love Forrest Gump, and I knew it well enough that I could understand almost every line. It was like an out of body experience.

So that was my evening, and I feel like it was at least immersive, right?

What else is there? Bah oui, things have been hard lately. I get homesick at the worst times, like during classes or in the cafeteria or during dinner. It’s crazy, not knowing where it’s safe to let yourself go. Here, I’m always on guard, trying to be on my best behavior, or something like that. You can’t show your cracks, this far from home.

And I don’t think my sister likes me very much. She doesn’t like the attention her family has to give to me. So we don’t really talk anymore.

But classes are good, I’ve been doing well on tests and things.

And I like biking everywhere.

And my friend Evie and I are planning a bike trip, for the end of February, or March. A real bike trip, with hostel stops and everything. It’s a long way off, and there are a million things to get approved, but a lot of students travel this way, when they’re here. I think we want to go to Rouen. It should be amazing.

And tomorrow, instead of school, we’re going on a trip to the Northern Coast, and staying overnight. It’s a bonding thing. I don’t know what it’s going to entail, but I’m always up for travel in France.

I’m sorry this was not a happy entry.

But I miss you and I love you and I’m sure there will be beautiful things to say about La Manche.

Until Next Time, "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."- Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

(I miss that book so much.)

PS: If anyone wants to fill me in on the debates and how the election is going, feel free.

COUNTDOWN to return: 244 days